Q: Hi Karyl and Marilyn,
Did you ever in all your married years loose the attraction you once had for your husband? I have been married for nearly 9 1/2 years and do not find my husband physically attractive anymore and have lost the desire to have sex with him.
Now I'm not saying that I'm better than him or that I think I could have done better, all I'm saying is that I love him more like my brother and not my sexual partner. There are obviously other issues that have contributed to how I now feel but it would take too long to go into those.
We have two kids and my husband works away from home at least once or twice a month and his relationship with the kids is suffering too. Do you have any suggestions to help get the feeling back?
Thanks,
Sue.
A: Sue,
I can remember a specific time a few years ago when I was sitting on the
couch with my husband of twenty years. We were watching NYPD Blue. Jimmy
Smitts was looking really cute to me, yet I was fighting these feelings of
strong irritation and disdain at the clicking noises coming from the man
sitting next to me. Why my husband chose to floss his teeth at that moment
was perplexing. Didn't he get that in light of everything it was a bit of a
turn off?
When I had been married nine and a half years I didn't quite get that
there are many cycles in a relationship - it's the natural way of the
universe. Sometimes things were good, there was closeness, intimacy and fun -
followed by a period of irritation, loneliness and discontent - followed by
ambivalence - then fun again. It's a rhythm we can endure only if we give it
time.
There's a certain kind of acceptance we seem to understand only in later
life - and that is it's not all about having fun and being happy. It's about
courage and kindness and a commitment to leaving this world a better place.
We come to this understanding through time and experience.
I suggest you talk out your feelings with a someone in a counseling
position, not just other wives harboring the same malcontent you have. Take a
good look at your commitment and look at the cycles already forming within
your unique life. Now, I'm assuming you are in a "normal" relationship with
"normal" ups and downs....no one's hitting you or the kids...right? No one's
abusing drugs or alcohol or something....right? Cuz if that's the case, you'd
be geting a completely different response. 
Yours in natural rhythms,
Marilyn
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